self-confidence: an experiement.

It is only very recently that I started to pay attention to confidence. I have been reading a lot about it and I think it is a good idea to write my thoughts about it.

This weekend I attended campjs (campjs.com). Basically, a bunch of hackers who work with javascript got together in a remote place, had some beers, presented theirs hacks, presented/watched some talks and had a great time. 

Wait a minute. How come I attended if I don't even program in javascript? There are several reasons that I believe some people share with me:

1) There was no better opportunity for you pick someone's brain if you are a beginner.

2) You get to meet some people and start getting involved in a community

3) Even if you don't write a single line of code (not my case), you still can contribute in many ways

4) It is an experiment.

The first 3 reasons are not a surprise. The last one is, however, a big deal. 

By attending this event, I was clearly getting out of my comfort zone and stretching the limits of my self-confidence. I didn't make any expectations but I knew I would not be able to present anything decent.  

I ended up not presenting anything. My 200 lines of javascript didn't get any result yet. However, I learned a lot from other confident developers who didn't entirely knew what they were doing but were presenting anyway. I heard things like "I don't know how this library works but it does."

Sometimes I miss the basics. Sometimes I forget we are all humans and we struggle with confidence. Everyone has their private demons. I am glad that I started fighting mine.

Bad Expectations

Have you ever spotted a disabled person and felt sorry for her? I bet you have.

In 2005 I suffered a terrible car accident. Among the consequences, I lost my girlfriend and  I seriously injured my neck. I needed to use a collar to immobilize it for about 6 months.

During that time I had to shave daily, without moving my neck, because the growing beard makes it very itchy, especially on hot days.  And every night I would sleep on my back without moving.

You may feel this is terrible and most people do. For me, it was ok. But I could see in everyone's face how sorry they were.  On the side of the road, asking a ride to the university, everyone would stop for me.

Then I learned a precious thing. I wasn't suffering. I was limited but I didn't think about my constraints. And I guess most people with disability don't think about their limitations either. They just live one day after the other like everyone else. I didn't stop attending classes, working on projects or hang out with friends.

I certainly almost died but I didn't have any epiphany about the meaning of being alive. What I realized is that  the idea of a bad situation is often many times worse than the actual fact. People probably imagined I was depressed, in pain and suffering every minute of it. But I wasn't.

So, whenever you think something you want to do will cause you embarrassment or rejection,it may be true. However, it probably will  not as bad or intense as you have pictured in your mind.

A beautiful mind

Even though I am a programmer and I read the Hacker News quite regularly, I only "met" Aaron Swartz after he passed away. I had not idea who he was until I read the news about him.

At first I wanted to read his writings to try to understand who he was. Then I wanted to know what were his last thoughts. Now I am basically enjoying all his contributions to people like me, seeking young people who care about society and technology.

I can't say I "get him". His message is there on his blog. All I know is that I have things to offer as well. That's he reason I am placing my thoughts on paper. In this case, its a digital paper.

Based on his writings alone, I see a lot of wisdom. The was very intelligent and used that. He learned that hard work combined with intelligence generate very interesting results.

Nobody knows what made him give up. I had my experience somewhat close to depression but I guess everyone's reality is a different one.We all know the world sucks sometimes but we find joy on our daily struggles. 

In the coming posts I expect to share my experiences leaving my country, evaluating my choices that led me to leave Brazil and  move to Australia. I also think about sharing my thoughts about computer science, programming, travel and amateur philosophy.

I will right on my own pace. However I want it to be fluent as I am slowly learning that steady wins the race.